Failed at not drinking. Once again. Within minutes as well. Paulie P is poorly P. Mind, body, energy.
This post isn't even anything to do with the night I had to walk away from last night. In fact it was a good time, considering how fully not good I've been doing, yesterday especially. This has just been coming for a while as my brain now, frankly, feels like it's trying to rather quickly erode itself from the inside.
It's not even like I actually drink that much either. Know THAT sounds cliche but it's true. Compared to what I did way back when and on various many not so way back whens. Before I drank because I could, and, generally, a lot. Probably lucky to avoid hospital a couple of times, and that's saying something. One of the nights, I have no idea how I survived. Worst time ever. I know folks brag about their drinking prowess (which is a bit weird anyway). This isn't what this is. This is me saying I know I can drink ludicrously heavy when the time is required or right, and the suffering for it is now getting astronomical.
And yet I still go back. NOW it's an addiction, it's an under control addiction, generally, but still it is that, and now it needs to go. The social aspect of it is the part that controls it. Not just, 'have one to be sociable', but 'have some to survive the social situation'. Part of it is because I actually like the taste, of lager, wines, spirits, ales (just not cider, that stuff is verminous), they've all got nice tasting variants of them. I'll definitely miss whisky!
I also drink, not to forget, but to have at least a little time of relief from the stuff that breaks my brain and the strength of my mind for a large majority of the time. Even whilst asleep I just can't properly rest. I'm not trying to run away from my problems through it. I am happy to deal with them and be responsible for whatever happens, but it's nice just to have a few hours here and there being given the ability to put them on the shelf, and give my brain a rest. Surely that's a valid reason. In fact, I don't feel like I should justify what I do either way, I guess I'm just talking it out with myself here.
Now I just want to / need to give up, at least stop for a while, because it's just too much for me to physically and mentally take. If I can cut it out and be healthier, less drained as a result on the times I do drink these days then I can feel more energetic to get on with life, and to sort things out. There is a financial aspect to it as well, the extra cash from the now small amount that I drink would be nice in the pocket / bank / saving towards other times.
I don't believe the cause of ALL life's problems, not even by a long shot, but, I know it causes some.
I'm not going to be preachy about it. I just wanted to make this post as a reminder in a way. I'm just going to try and get on with it. I didn't drink for about 4 years in between the age of 19(ish) and 23(ish). I'm sure I can do it again.
It's now a lot more official.
I think I like that fact.
I'll keep you posted on the progress.