Thursday, 5 December 2013

Bit windy outside!!

Just thought to myself that if we did have anything left in the garden to blow down again (wall, fences, trees) it would have done today. Satisfied that nothing could blow over I opened the door and was greeted with both bins blown over and loads of crap all over the garden leading to me having to pick it all up in the rain. I'm going to stop thinking completely.

I've been ill for a few weeks now, yesterday was the first day in a long while I've felt genuinely productive. Managed to stay out of bed despite only having another 3-4 hours sleep. Did loads at home, caught up on some work, cleared some stuff in a room, made an awesome tea for me and Sarah, had a band practice, then came home and proof read a big essay that Sarah had done, and today, despite a similarly bad and short sleep, I'm not doing too bad again. Hopefully this wind is some kind of metaphor about blowing the cobwebs of illness and unproductive times and I can get back to feeling vaguely alive again.

We'll see eh.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Feeling like Death!

Okay, so I didn't manage to post yesterday, but, the following morning early is almost good enough....

I woke up feeling rough this morning, again, as per, no change there then. About five hours sleep. What was different about it is that yesterday I didn't have an alcoholic drink. I will admit to having been 'on the sauce' quite a bit in the last month or so. At least once a day having some sort of drink. Red wine seems to be the tipple of choice at the moment, which is odd considering up until a year or two ago was never really fussed about red wine, except for when it felt naughty when I was about 13 or 14 at my parents' house. So, I DIDN'T drink, and I still felt rough. I may as well have had something then!

To those teetotallers out there, they're probably thinking 'Urgh, horrible, weakling, alkie' or something like that (hopefully not, because that would make you a cunt rather than open minded, but there you go!). At the moment, life is difficult, well, life has ALWAYS been difficult. Everything feels like an uphill struggle, and the reason I drink is because, even just for a few minutes or a couple of hours, the incessant nagging of life on my brain just quietens down a little, or goes somewhere else for a bit. That relief almost is the thing that keeps me sane and keeps me alive. I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic, but that's how it feels. Maybe it's more noticeable now it's coming up to Winter. I don't do well over these months, but I'm at least trying to be more positive coming into it. Trying to stay chipper as they say.

I'm blatantly going to get this quote wrong, but it's from memory and I'm not looking through half a dozen Doug Stanhope stand-up DVDs just to find one line (although, because the guy is fucking brilliant, I will no doubt watch them all again at some point, at which time I'll come back and correct the quote, and then have to edit all this ramble out as it will be redundant!!), but... ahem... yeah!

'Nobody drinks because they like the taste, they drink because they have to!'
I do rather like the taste, but, it does start to feel like it's more because I have to at the moment. Am sure things will change. I did stop drinking for about four years when I was in my late teens, I already drunk before that, a lot, but then knocked it on the head. I know I can get it under control, and just drink occasionally, but at this moment in time it doesn't feel like I want to. I know, for my health, especially over the colder months, I really probably should.

We shall see.

I seem to remember I've done this dance before on this blog already. I re-read through a load of the posts again since remembering this place existed, but I've not happened across that topic as yet, but, I'm sure it's in there. Well, here we go again!

Oh, and if you weren't aware, the title was actually more just a play on words, because tonight me and Sarah are going to see Death in Manchester. It's not the REAL Death band, since the main guy in the band (the singer, lead guitarist, song writer who got session musicians in to play the rest of the instruments / live) died a number of years ago. I am lucky in the respect that I got to see the REAL Death 'back in the day', and so I was dubious about going at first, but it should be a good laugh. It's a good excuse for a couple of days away with Sarah too, and we'll get to see her family over the weekend too, then return Saturday evening for an awesome fast gig that a mate is putting on, then on Sunday play an awesome slow gig with Sloth Hammer. Good times...

On a totally different note, here's a song from the album I am listening to right now, Rachels 'Systems Layers'. If you don't know it, listen. It's amazing. Dreamy, soundscapey, cello and piano led sounds, although this is one of the more 'hectic' songs on the record.

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

It's started again!

This is like some kind of Rolling Stones reunion tour or something, I return once again, and does anyone even care or know that I've been gone?

Well, maybe I do at least.

It's been 545 days since I was last here. It wasn't intentional. I didn't abandon you on purpose. It just kind of happened.

Why have I returned?
Well, I'm still not happy. I'm still not 'right'. I still haven't 'changed'. I still get things wrong. I still leave things unfinished. I still flit about from project to project. I still forget to remember the things I remembered to remember. I still beat myself up every day, every second, mentally, for things I can no longer alter, or things that I should alter but don't know how, or things that I still do but shouldn't, or don't do that I should. My life still isn't right. I'm still not in charge of my own things. I still procrastinate. I still mean well but don't quite manage it. I still have a list of things longer than is healthy left to do, to achieve, to see, to finish. I still put things off that I should be doing that are either a bit difficult or awkward or challenging, in favour of things that are easier or mindless or more relaxing.

That particular list could go on for days. It's been a REALLY tough year, this one, for many many reasons. None of which I will bore you with right now, but eventually may hint at as we go along. My intention is to keep on with this. Daily, as much as possible. Even if it's just one line saying 'Today was good because I ate peanut butter.' or 'Today was atrocious because I killed every person in seven countries.'

Whatever happens, I shall document it, because, that's what I need to do. I need to get it out of my system, and collectively into yours, whoever the 'yours' is, probably no-one, but at least it's less clutter inside my own for a start.

There may be less pictures and links, there may be more words, there may be more random, aimless comments, just because it will be easier to do whilst 'on my travels', 'out and about', 'at work', 'etc., but hopefully the ramblings will still be fun to dip into every now and again.

Seems like lots has changed since the last time I was here. I just had a quick re-read through a few of the posts. Mediafire pressed the big reset button on its servers a while ago, and since then, downloading music has become an utter pain. Lightbox closed down. Myspace has got even worse, and is actually unusable. Torrent sites are getting blocked all over the place. I now don't work at the Yorkshire Post place that was mentioned a few times. I was made redundant last autumn, and have struggled to find work that, actually, I could put up with, no matter how much I whined about it, it was definitely a damn sight better than anything I've had since. I still haven't set up my own business, and it's now even more difficult to get the energy up to do so.

I have now gone from being just over the tip of the hill onto the other side of the second half of my life, into pretty much careering down it at hyper speed, crashing into stuff, knocking it over, flailing arms everywhere, crying and swearing and tormenting everything in my path because I am gutted to be on this side of the hill. It's feeling like I am fucking everything up, and no matter what I try, no matter how promising it all feels, it just fails. It fails spectacularly, leaving me to have to work even harder at clearing up the fucking mess. I keep trying, of course, because that's human nature, that's MY nature. I still lots of things, ideas, knowledge, productivity, talent left in me to give and to outpour, but, it's getting harder each time to really go for it.

What else has changed since the last time I was here...? Raw Nerve got a new lease of life, and then, like most other things I've been involved with, fell by the wayside again. A lack of time at a time when it needed not to lack left it languishing, and then, once again, I asked around for a team of people to take it over and run it and nobody stepped forth, so the new incarnation, and an awesome one at that, is left to meander and maybe infinitely live out its time like an unfound walker in The Walking Dead. One of the bands I was in, Diascorium, has split up. I've since started another one, which is aptly called No Fucks Given, because, at this point in time, I absolutely am not giving a fuck anymore. I am speaking my mind. I have to man up and just get on with stuff. I now have accidentally started running a festival called 'kin Hell Fest which has involvement in other gigs around the country. I say accidentally, because I wasn't planning on carrying on promoting gigs, but the one thing left to do that I'd wanted to for years was to put on a 3 day 'proper' festival, like Obscene Extreme in the Czech Republic (are they really changing the country's name!?), so that happened, and it went really well, but not absolutely right, and we had external factors that made it a bit of a post-fest nightmare, so, it seems we're back again for more in 2014. This time doing things right, eliminating the problem factors and hopefully the daftest metal-related music party our city of Leeds has ever seen will occur.

I found work again, for a few months, which finished last Monday. Maybe this is what has led me to the inquisition about myself once more. I've been ill for a couple of weeks too, well, longer probably, cold and flu symptoms were lurking around my body for a long time, and I staved them off, but they just about manage to climb in fully and make me feel approximately 95.6% shit! I 'think' I'm just about coming out the other side, but I still feel rough, I have no job, the 'system' is fucking useless as well, so I'm going to get no help until I find something else.

I still would love to be a columnist.

Maybe that's my calling?

That would probably be a big shock, but, I would more than happily do something like this every day. Comment on something, anything, whatever someone told me to, whatever I was feeling at the time. Is it possible to make a living anymore doing this? If so, someone help me get there... In the meantime, I am going to continue filling up a chunk of the internet with my nonsense, whether anyone likes it or not.

Thanks for reading, and maybe have a look back over what you've missed. I did chuckle to quite a bit of it whilst re-reading, almost impartially as if it was someone else who did it. I guess that's a good sign. I realise I do need to have a clear out of the links on the right hand side since the internet doth killed some of my things... I shall get that done... Some day... Probably... Hopefully!