So, I'm not entirely sure what it is I am about to purge, but, because of the nonsensical buzzing that goes on in my brain 24/7, I feel that there is something that needs to get out there.
Every minute of my day is spent wanting to be productive, with my own things, my own projects, my own world. Selfish I know, but it seems to be the main thing that keeps me sane. Making music. Writing words. Reading words. Listening to things. Looking at things. Updating web pages. Ordering computer files. Pretty sad really. Of course these aren't the only things that keep me sane, or take my attention. I am married to an awesome woman who I love immensely, own my own pretty cool little house, full of character I guess you'd say (falling down?!), have a full-time job that isn't great at times, but is bearable mostly, like cooking, watching films. You know, normal, good stuff. I dare say THESE are the things that actually keep me sane, but the other stuff feels like it does, so I'll stick with it.
The main enemy of myself is me, and my scatterbrained, self-inflicted mess of a life. Over the years, I've started off so many projects that never made it to their end. Books / writing collections, musical projects, galleries of art, photography and various other design related things, sparcing of 'stuff' in various abodes, tidying of files, music blogs and websites never quite being how they should be. This all eats at me. On a daily basis. Sad, but, well, true (I had to put in the extra word, much as I love early Metallica's outpourings, it's way too cliché to put in a song title this early on in proceedings!)
Of course, these aren't the only things that eat at me. More personal things like the relationship I now cannot alter with my dad. I always try to tell myself I wasn't a bad son. Not sure if this happens to everyone, but certain images or scenarios are burnt into my brain, and won't leave, which in turn makes it impossible to move on, forgive myself and realise I was a perfectly normal teenager and not the horrible bastard I now feel that I was, now that I've grown up.
I should have also set up a 'proper' business whilst I had the chance and the energy, it feels like the opportunity was hugely missed on that one, and there isn't much time that goes by that I don't regret it. I'd had the idea, talked to friends and had a team set up, had folders full of information and things to work with, full expansions of the ideas etc., a rough logo and general ident going, packs from various places helping and encouraging business ventures, but, I guess it just fizzled out due to nerves and a lack of funds to start with. The lesson really is, if you want to do something but aren't sure, just bloody go for it! Even if it's a risk, do it, there's always ways to put things that go wrong, right, and it's better than just spending the next 10-20-30 years of your life doing the whole 'What If...?' nonsense!
I know things in my life could be worse.
I just wish things in my brain could be better.
So, let's now try a (hopefully, as near as dammit) daily outpouring of things, good, bad, indifferent, weird, inspiring, educating, inciteful, insightful, related to me, related to the world, downright surreal and bizarre... Whatever. Anything. Better than trying nothing.
I'll more than likely pepper this with stupid or interesting images, videos, things to download or read, just so that the words won't just blur into lines, that blur into boxes, than blur into pages that then just blur into an excruciating black hole of whining and dribbling excessivity (which, if that's not a word then that can be my first in the list of ones to put forth for dictionary consideration).
Oh, and I shall also (because I can never resist it) add in a huge stack of links, to other interesting blogs / reads / places of interest / my musical and related projects, just... STUFF!
Here is the first interjection of something other than just me chattering. Someone who is FAR better at it than me.